Starting Over

Almost 10 months ago I created this blog which was previously titled "Academic Woman for Christ" as a personal attempt to deal with my work place environment that has very little representation of believers.  It was meant to be raw, mostly unedited, and basically just streams of thought and emotion.  Isn't this how we are to come to Christ, after all?  Yet coming from the field that I do, the thought of writing and publishing something unedited was laughable.  Thus, just as I do with many of my attempts at personal worship and spiritual growth, I gave up. In fact, I barely wrote two sentences (one of which was a simple "Hi") and then I shut down.

Today is Wednesday, January 5th, 2011 and just as we do every first Wednesday of the New Year, my husband and I are fasting.  It is a 12-hour fast from food.  I go for the juice, milk, or coffee and avoid any liquids that may be considered meal replacements.  The purpose of this fast is to pray for the New Year but I am struggling and thought perhaps typing in this blog thingy would help. You see, the thing is, I really appreciate all of the wonderful devotionals that build women up and tell us that Christ sees us as beautiful (and I'm not being facetious here).  But I find that I need an outlet to talk about how I messed up today...again. 

I think that it is important that you know somethings about me; I was raised a preacher's daughter and I am a believer of a reformed doctrine.  I know how to read the Bible, how to pray, and most of the hymns in our church hymnal.  I have sung in the choir, aided in children's activities, and worked at Christian youth camps, and I am the wife of a deacon.  Yet I have found over the last two years or so that I have lost my drive.  I don't pray like I used to.  I don't hear the Lord even when I think that I am listening.  Now before I get too carried away with all of this down in the valley talk, I think it is also important to note that I do still see him guiding me in decisions, down pathways, and being a part of my life. I just don't feel him that way I want to and I don't try to meet him like I should.

So, all of this rambling is to say that I plan to use this blog as a way to meet with Christ and enhance my spiritual growth.  This morning I was thinking, "Man, I really wish I could exchange emails with God".  Not those cheesy (well...at least in my opinion...sorry for any who are offended) "Good Morning, this is God Speaking" emails but real, true exchanges back and forth.  Some people are able to just talk and listen to him anywhere, anytime (my Dad is excellent at this) but I am not there yet so this techy mess is going to be my attempt.  Wish me luck...here goes!

Entry 1: Wednesday, January 5th, 2011

I have already messed up.  Today is fasting day and I don't know what to pray about.  Its almost noon and I still haven't really prayed.  I don't know why I find this so intimidating.  I got up this morning at 5:15 and ate because I would not be eating again for 12 hours.  Then what did I do?  No "Good Morning, Lord".  Nope.  I went back to sleep. Whoops. 

I really need to muster up some motivation and get going.  Lists and planning always seem like a good default method.  So, below is a list of things (as they come to mind) that I would like to pray for today in reference to planning and growing in the New Year:

• My dissertation project
• Being a better example for Christ (stop the gossiping, occasional..ok regular...cussing, be careful about the company I keep)
• Improved Intimacy (boy, my husband would hate that I put this...but this is an area that I need to improve myself)
• Preparing my mind for worship
• Family and career planning
• Identifying ways that I can be of service to others
• Establishing and maintaining a regular devotional and prayer time both alone and with my husband
• Being a better daughter, sister, wife, and friend and practicing being selfless
• Maintaining healthy eating, exercise, and financial habits
• Selflessly serving my church 
• Simplifying my life (stop using tv and Internet as a time fillers)
• Trust, do not be fearful
• Our church growth (we have not had a new member in almost 3 years)
• A more positive attitude
• That I would not be lazy and slothful

Man is making a list helpful!!  Thank you Lord for the encouragement!!

I am also leaning on the Lord today to show me what scriptures he would have me to focus on as I fast.  Below are those that I have been lead to read today (KJV):

Nehemiah 9: 7-8
Thou art the Lord the God, who didst choose Abram and broughtest him forth out of Ur of the Chaldees, and gavest him the name of Abraham;

And foundest his heart faithful before thee, and madest a covenant with him to give the land of the Canaanites, the Hittites, and the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Jebusites, and the Girgashites, to give it, I say, to his seed, and though hast performed thy words; for thou art righteous;

Habakku 3:2
O Lord, I have heard they speech, and was afraid; O Lord, revive thy work in the midst of the years, in the midst of the years make known; in wrath remember mercy.

*Notice that the two readings above are prayers set to hymn or song of praise.

John 8:2
And early in the morning he came again into the temple, and all the people came unto him and he sat down, and taught them.

Nehemiah 9:1-3
Now in the twenty and fourth day of this month the children of Israel were assembled with fasting, and with sackclothes, and earth upon them.

And the seed of Israel separated themselves from all strangers and stood and confessed their sins, and the iniquities of their fathers.

And they stood up in their place, and read in the book of the law of the Lord their God one forth a part of the day; and another forth part the confessed, and worshiped the Lord their God.

*Again this scripture is on prayer and that the people fasted and read the word for 3 daylight hours followed by 3 hours of repentance and worship.